Basic Bitch, travel

Basic Bitch Travels, Episode 1: Coffee

I’ve been traveling nearly constantly during the past three years. I’ve heard a lot of good things, but also, some things which destroy my faith in humanity. Presented here, as what will *hopefully* be a weekly series, is a parody account of some of the things I’ve heard during this time.


When moving abroad, the first thing to find out is where to get your morning java fix.

Unfortunately, in the less-civilized areas of the world where they’re lacking things like nursing homes and Adderall (seriously, how is anybody supposed to get anything done in these conditions? It’s inhumane.), they’re also lacking a girl’s second-in-command BFF (the first being diamonds. Obviously.): Starbucks.

This puts you in a bit of a bind. Like, how the hell are you supposed to start your day without a soy double-shot latte with sugar-free vanilla syrup?

Fear not, fellow world travelers, because — even though the rest of the world is still getting things like autism-causing vaccinations and health care — there are still other coffee joints to be found. Whether or not they contain gluten and GMOs is uncertain as they don’t all seem capable of speaking English, but whatever. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices when you travel. It’s a part of being #blessed.

The fortunate thing about living in Asia is that you don’t have to order a skinny latte, because they’re all already skinny. Something about the milk is different, because they worship cows.

Another great thing is that, weirdly enough, the word “coffee” is basically the same in all languages! It’s kind of weird how humans all over the world evolved to have the same word in every language, but it must just be one of those beautiful things that makes us human.

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